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05 Jul 2023
World Alone
Today the Sun is conjunct (next to, aligned with) my natal moon in the nurturing, motherly receptive and emotional sign of Cancer.
To say it’s been emotional is an understatement. Today I’ve had to advocate for the hysterectomy that I know I need. The decision itself was hard enough to face. But surprise surprise restrictions were put on me once again. I was told I wouldn’t be granted the funding based on wants alone. Quote from the consultant “Every woman wants a hysterectomy, we can’t give them to everyone”. But this isn’t a want. This is a need. 25 years of suffering is enough. The follow-up questions I had, she didn’t answer. Even after 4 times coming back around to question about currently prescribed meds. All she could say is that they were for reducing the flow of my period. I said I haven’t had an actual ‘period’ since January, just consistent bleeding that doesn’t match with a monthly cycle. So why was I prescribed them? And when is it safe to take again?
Honestly, she just didn’t know. The NHS is crumbling. Staff aren’t trained. There is no care. Only targets, statistics and boxes to tick. Doctors don’t look systemically. She says I don’t qualify for a hysterectomy because of a ‘bit of bleeding’. I need to have a reason like cancer premarkers.
I said what about suicide. Suicide is the number one killer of our time. Is being suicidal because I can’t cope with the bleeding enough of a reason? Honestly she didn’t know what to say. So essentially I’ve been referred for a second opinion. She hadn’t read my notes, no idea I’d even been offered a prior surgery last year. All she could tell me is that surgery comes with risks. I’m sorry lady you’d really don’t know me. You don’t know how long I’ve sat in the dark because I’m too scared of risk..too scared of consequences. And when I decide enough is enough. Someone else tries to tell me to be afraid once more.
It wasn’t the way I hoped it would go. But it’s not a ‘N0’ it’s just more hoops to jump through, more hills to climb. I’m tired of having to be the one to go through the extra. But I’m aware that’s my path with Saturn at the helm of my natal Sun, challenging my options until they are refined in a way that almost perfection is guaranteed.
It’s been a lot for me lately. Life has been a lot for me lately…life has been a lot for me always. But things have changed so much. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I’m having to face up to things that I’ve buried, that I’ve tried to hide for so damn long. The biggest challenge is that I’m having to do it all alone.
I have people I can reach out to. But it’s not the same as having someone by my side. I’m still nursing my broken heart. Painfully so, as I watch older couples taking their dogs for a walk. Wondering if they realise how lucky they are.
I’m currently sat under an oak tree, thinking about the last time the wisdom of a mighty oak in Sherwood forest guided me to the end of my marriage. Being crawled over by mother nature’s beautiful fauna, being greeted by dogs out for a walk, in wondrous open space for nature in the heart of an urban town. I’ve just had the amazing sight of the red arrows soaring past…as if they were doing their own private display just for me.
It sets my mind off pondering. Thinking about the last time I did actually witness a private display from my father-in-law’s work. Thinking about the cake I made for him, which was one of my own personal favourites. Is he here now.. watching over me? Or are my memories what keep him alive? I now live in the room where he left us. The apprehension I had about staying there actually dissolved as soon I realised it was… just where I needed to be. The energy of that room wrapped itself around me like a warm blanket and comforted me in ways that I didn’t know I needed.
The red arrows also reminded me I need to lower my expectations. To expect nothing in fact. For nothing is guaranteed…. and when I think about how hard I tried in my last relationship to make plans to see flypasts, to force a special occasion and how empty that left me.
Something that I’ve always done. Tried to force the happiness. Because I misunderstood the definition of ‘being positive’. Literal thinking taken too far. When I look back and see how miserable I was when I got something I wanted. And how happy I am when I get something accidental. The best things really do happen without planning, without rules, without expectations…they just are. The glimmers that life offers often come at the most peculiar times.
As I deal with my thoughts before facing the world again I’m enjoying this space for myself. Well if the dogs leave me alone. Multiple fusses today.
And then I think of my own daughter.. a staffy with a heart of gold.. who doesn’t live with me. But feeling a bit poorly right now. How I wish to be with her. How as a mother I want to protect and nurse her in all the ways I can. Yet I can’t…that’s another thing I’m having to deal with. Leaving my children in a fixed sense, and learning to embrace the opportunities for special moments. It’s hard when I’ve spent 25 years being a mother to my animals. To feel now that I have to just be me, and with only me.
Added to that the realisation that, with or without the hysterectomy, that I will be no mother to a human child of my own. A child that most people didn’t even realise I wanted so desperately. Because I kept it hidden.. because I let others’ opinions of me define my reality. And as the Sun illuminates my Moon, the feelings and the maternal instinct comes to the surface for all to see.
But this life has not blessed me with the body for human life to move through. Instead I will nurture in the ways of a mother to the souls that need me when they grace me with their presence in my life.
Until then, I am here… alone, grieving but grateful.
Astrology extra It’s clear to see after a read through that the tone changes somewhat through the post. Somewhat egotistical and self centred to begin with (The Sun), to move to softness and grace at the end (The Moon). I was going to edit the first part to sound less harsh as the bottom reflects more of the me that I fight to be. But I realised that the contrast only helps to explain the difference between the Sun and Moon in Astrology. The Sun represents our Ego. Our core being. What makes us tick. The Moon is our emotions, how we process feelings, our receptive nature, to mother and be mothered.
Often the ego gets a bad reputation, that it’s something we should dissolve in order to be kinder considerate beings. Although it certainly needs to be kept in check, we can’t remove it because it’s who we are. Instead we blend it with our other qualities. To deny our ego is to deny us. We can use it, like the heat of the sun’s rays, to fire us up. To become stronger. But when we temper that with the cool light of the Moon. When we let the soothing waters of mother nature wash over that ego, being careful not to drown it, just erode the harshness. We create something beautiful.